BIZARRE BIBLE VERSES

The Bible is truly a bizarre book. How bizarre, ludicrous, kooky and strange? Continue reading...

Feb 20, 2025

I AM THE LORD! — THE MOST BIZARRE BIBLE VERSES
by Michael R. Burch

These are the most bizarre, ludicrous, ridiculous and truly strange verses in the hole-y bible. Please keep an eye out for the prophet Ezekiel — I call him Zany Zeke — who admitted being a false prophet on the pages of the bible! How can the bible be “inerrant” and “infallible” when one of its major prophets admitted issuing a false prophecy, then immediately issued a second false prophecy? Zany Zeke went on for eight colorful chapters about all the horrors the “Sovereign Lord” was going to inflict on Tyre and Egypt, both of which were doomed to become uninhabited wastelands at the hands of Zeke’s hero Nebuchadnezzar, except that neither happened!

THE MOST BIZARRE BIBLE VERSES

God created Heaven on the second day, was he homeless on the first? (Genesis 1:8)
Jesus preached to spirits in prison: presumably hell. Can people be saved after death or was Jesus just taunting them? (1 Peter 3:19)
Also, the dead can be baptized. Betcha haven’t heard your priest or pastor preaching this bizarre verse. Unless you’re Mormon, of course. (1 Corinthians 15:29)
Gambling is NOT a sin! The disciples threw dice to elect Matthias the twelfth apostle! (Acts 1:26)
Was Jesus — the alleged all-knowing, all-wise Creator of the Universe — illiterate? Or was an all-powerful god unable to preserve what he wrote?
Jesus instructed his disciples: “Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.” But many creatures don’t have ears. Also, Jesus failed to inform his disciples that they would need to discover North America, South America, Australia, Indonesia, most of Africa and Asia, and over 11,000 inhabited islands! (Mark 16:15)
How “nutty” is the bible? If two men are fighting and a woman trying to be a peacemaker accidently touches someone’s privates, have no pity! Cut her hand off! I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
Since the Holy Ghost didn’t properly marry Mary, her illegitimate son Jesus was ineligible to enter the temple!

“A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord.” (Deuteronomy 23:2)
The bible’s ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE is a personal favorite. “Many” zombies appeared to “many” people in Jerusalem, but no one outside the author of Matthew thought it worth a single mention. (Matthew 27:51-53)

“Ho hum. There goes Jesus, raising the dead by the truckload. Ho hum. Let’s not tell anyone. Ho hum.”

There’s more about this ludicrous plot for a really bad low-budget horror flick in my FOOTNOTES TO NONSENSE.
The “bowels” of the saints were “refreshed” by the slaveowner Philemon. Thank god for small favors, since the graphic details were not provided! (Philemon 1:7)

“My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him”. (Song of Solomon 5:4)
Zany Zeke makes his first appearance and informs us that the ancient Israelites were really into donkey dongs and stallion semen. And Zeke does get graphic.

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals — as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions. (Ezekiel 23:19)
Judas Iscariot died twice: once by suicide (Matthew 27:1-10) and once by falling and having “all his bowels gush out.” (Acts 1:18)

That’ll teach him to betray the Messiah!

But even after dying twice, Judas was still alive, because Paul said Jesus appeared to “the twelve.” (1 Corinthians 15:5)
PETA ALERT! If someone dies mysteriously, behead a heifer. This will make me happy, no one knows why. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 21:1-9)
PETA ALERT! Cast lots for two goats. Kill the loser. I AM THE LORD! Lay hands on the “winner,” confess all your sins, then turn it loose to die of thirst in the desert. I AM THE LORD! This will make me happy, no one knows why. I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 16:7-22)

At Yom Kippur the scapegoat is hurled over a cliff to its death, perhaps because no desert is handy and the goat might live.

PETA ALERT! If a poor farmer can’t afford to redeem a firstborn donkey with a more succulent lamb, just break the damn donkey’s neck. I AM THE LORD! (Exodus 34:19-20)

But now that the Levites who authored the bible are really thinking, not-so-succulent human children and inedible “unclean” animals can be redeemed via convenient cash payments made to—ta-da!—Levites. (Numbers 18:15-16)

PETA ALERT! Jesus murdered 2,000 innocent pigs to make demons happy. (Mark 5:1-13)

If Jesus was a prophet, he must have known the demons were tricking him into becoming their accomplice in murdering thousands of innocent pigs. What sort of god is tricked into murdering innocent animals by demons? And how did the pigs drown themselves in a sea that was 30 miles away? And what were Jews doing herding pigs they couldn’t eat?
PETA ALERT! Yahweh sent two she-bears to maul 42 boys for calling a man “baldy.” (2 Kings 2:23-24)

Yes, I know it seems wrong to murder and mutilate children, but I AM THE LORD!

PETA ALERT! No less than 300 innocent foxes have their tails tied together, two by two, by Samson. Then Samson sets their tails on fire and releases them to run through the ripe wheat and other crops of the Philistines. (Judges 15:1-8.)

PETA ALERT! The heroic Yahweh duplicates a feat of his archrival storm god Baal by defeating a multi-headed sea monster called Leviathan, then hacking it to pieces like Jason on a rampage. Now it seems a bit unfair for an all-powerful god to murder one of his more unique creations, but gods do need things to brag about, and there was a LOT of biblical bragging about this murder! (Psalm 74:14, Isaiah 51:9, Psalm 89:10, Job 41:1, Isaiah 27:1, Psalm 104:26)

Amusingly, the bible says that after Yahweh broke the heads (plural) of Leviathan, he fed the people in the wilderness sea-monster barbeque! Now we know the source of manna!

Thou brakest the heads of Leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness. (Psalm 74:14)

Please note that there is one Leviathan (“him”) with multiple “heads.”

I know it seems unfair for me to murder my creations, but I AM THE LORD!

PETA ALERT! Yahweh was unhappy with the Israelites, so he brought billions of quail “from the sea” (???) and murdered them all, then dumped them to a depth of two cubits (three feet deep) on an enormous camp of two million people that was a day's journey on either side. Thus around six square miles of land was buried in quail three feet high! But murdering billions of innocent quail wasn’t enough for Yahweh, no siree! The bible says that "While the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people” and he “smote” them with “a very great plague.” But if he was going to send “a very great plague” and knew this with his alleged perfect foresight, why did Yahweh murder billions of innocent quail? (Exodus 16:13, Numbers 11:31-35)

PETA ALERT! An all-seeing, all-knowing god needed the Israelites to mark their doorposts and lintels with the blood of innocent lambs so that he would know which houses to pass over while mass-murdering Egyptian children and animals.

For the LORD will pass through to smite the Egyptians; and when he seeth the blood upon the lintel, and on the two side posts, the LORD will pass over the door, and will not suffer the destroyer to come in unto your houses to smite you. (Exodus 12:23)

The biblical Great Flood of Noah and his barmy “ark” is a real hoot. It would have taken a fleet of arks to save all the world’s animals, and the arks would have required advanced temperature and humidity controls for arctic and tropical animals, plus gigantic refrigeration units to keep millions of tons of food edible for a year. And what about fresh air? A wooden ark sealed with pitch would have been a death trap for everyone onboard, making this another PETA ALERT!

God saved Noah due to his alleged “righteousness” but Noah got drunk, was running around naked and engaged in some sort of perversion with his son. Did Yahweh drown trillions of innocent animals for an incestuous wino? PETA ALERT!
Abraham argued with god in an attempt to save the lives of strangers in Sodom and Gomorrah, but didn’t say a discouraging word on behalf of his son Isaac, before setting off to slit his throat. Nor did Abraham obtain his wife’s permission. Such chauvinism!
Paul wanted anti-Pauline christians to castrate themselves. (Galatians 5:7-12)

The feeling was apparently mutual, because the anti-Pauline author of Revelation wanted Jesus to murder the children of a christian mother. Why? For one thing, she was eating foods offered to idols, which Paul said was perfectly fine. (Revelation 2:23)
The biblical god Yahweh made the sun stop circling the earth to give Joshua more time to kill people. Since the sun doesn’t circle the earth, that was an impressive feat! With god’s help the great hero Josuha mass-murdered all the children, toddlers, infants, babies, unborns and their mothers in seven cities: Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron and Debir.

Joshua “left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord God of Israel commanded.” (Joshua 10:1-43)

I am continually (or con-tinually) told by christian apologists that the bible’s genocides were “necessary” because the people being massacred were “wicked.” But of course babies and animals aren’t “wicked” even if all the adults are, which is extremely doubtful. Furthermore, in Numbers chapter 31, Moses railed at his warriors for leaving women, children and babies alive. He then commanded his underlings to mass-murder all the women and male children, infants and babies, keeping only the virgin girls alive, obviously as sex slaves. Since the bible accuses foreign women of leading Israelite men astray, this makes no sense even if god is a genocidal maniac. In other bible passages, women and children were kept alive as “booty” (grotesque pun intended). Why did the bible’s commandments about genocide keep changing? Is god terribly inconsistent, or were human authors?
Moses wrote about his death, his funeral and the 30 days of weeping and wailing that followed. Is this why they call it the Holy Ghost? (Deuteronomy 34:1-9)
Oddly, the validity of the Torah and Moses’s authorship of the first five books of the bible is undone by, of all things, a recently-discovered pile of camel bones! Call it “PETA’s Revenge!” I explain why in my FOOTNOTES TO NONSENSE.

Was there an Exodus? Not according to Zany Zeke!

Thus saith the Lord GOD unto Jerusalem; Thy birth and thy nativity is of the land of Canaan; thy father was an Amorite, and thy mother an Hittite. (Ezekiel 16:3)

Enoch prophesied that “the Lord cometh with ten thousands of his saints,” but Moses and the Holy Poltergeist forgot and left the prophecy out of the bible. (Jude 1:14)

Did Moses have the worst sense of direction, ever? There is no archeological evidence of three million people wandering the narrow strip of the Sinai Desert for 40 years on what should have been a two-week trek. In particular, where are the hundreds of thousands of grave and skeletons?
God also made the sun go backwards, which would require reversing the spin of the earth without everyone and everything not attached flying off! (Isaiah 38:8, 2 Kings 20:9-11)
However the not-so-infallible Yahweh was unable to defeat tribes with primitive iron chariots, casting severe doubts on his superpowers.

And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. (Judges 1:19)

The allegedly all-powerful Yahweh was unable to defeat tribes with primitive iron chariots. What would he do against Warthogs, tanks, HIMARS and aircraft carriers, one wonders?
The bible touts Abraham as a “man of faith” but he kept pimping his wife to kings due to fear for his safety. Had dishonest Abe heard about god’s problem with iron chariots, perhaps?
Yahweh did have the power, however, to force the Philistines to include five golden images of hemorrhoids when they returned the Ark of the Covenant to the Israelites. Apparently the Philistines didn’t have iron chariots. (1 Samuel chapters 5-6).

To get the “inside scoop” please consult my FOOTNOTES TO NONSENSE.
Pigs flying is more likely than Moses leading a slave revolt, defeating mighty Egypt, killing a pharaoh, and no one mentioning it for a thousand years. Consider Spartacus and Joan of Arc.

Okay, so I lied about the Exodus, but it’s okay because I AM THE LORD!
An all-powerful god fears what people say about him. (Deuteronomy 32:27)

Please stop saying mean things about me, because I AM THE LORD!
MURDER EVERY PROPHET, EVEN THE TRUE ONES!

Even if a prophet is a true prophet, you should kill him, because the LORD may be testing you by making the prophecy come true! I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 13:5)
You can witness to other people, but if anyone witnesses to you, even your mother, wife, son, daughter or best friend, stone them to death! I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 13:6-9)

If other people witness to you, don’t just kill them, kill their effin’ heretical cattle too! I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 13:15)

If they just belong to another religion and don’t witness to you, you must still stone them to death, but you don’t have to kill their cattle. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 17:5)
INSTRUCTIONS TO PROPHETS

Do not have tattoos! I AM THE LORD! No tattoos! (Leviticus 19:26-28)

Zany Zeke said god is against pillows and kerchiefs. No pillows and kerchiefs! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 13:18-22)
And no eating four-legged insects! I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 11:20-23)
And please keep handicapped people and people with blemishes and defects out of my pristine temple! I AM THE LORD! No hunchbacks, no dwarves, nobody blind or lame! I AM THE LORD!(Leviticus 21:16-23)
Also no men with problems “down there.” I AM THE LORD! Healthy foreskinless appendages only. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 23:1)
And no semen! Semen makes everything unclean! No semen! I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 15:16-18)
And no yucky menstrual blood! I AM THE LORD! Women should not sit down or lie down when they’re having their periods! Stand up until the horror is over! And no touching anyone and getting them all unclean! Who told women to have periods anyway? I AM THE LORD!

When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening...Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean..." (Leviticus 15:19-24)
How terrible is menstrual blood? Just to expose it means banishment for the woman and her partner! I AM THE LORD!

If a man lies with a woman during her menstrual period and exposes her nakedness, he has exposed the source of her flow, and she has exposed the source of her blood. Both of them must be cut off from their people. (Leviticus 20:18)
Menstrual blood bad, very bad! Tarzan not like periods! When a woman has her period, everything she touches, sits on, or lies on becomes “unclean.” (Leviticus 15:19-24)
Zany Zeke agrees: Do not come near a “menstruous woman”! (Ezekiel 18:6)

Baby girls are dirty! If a woman has a baby girl, she will be “unclean” for 66 days and cannot enter a place of worship or touch anything sacred! Clearly, women should have baby boys! I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 12:1-5)
Women and children are the spoils of war, just like livestock! I AM THE LORD! (2 Samuel 22:9-11)
Fathers can sell their daughters as sex slaves for life, with an option to buy them back if they don’t please their new masters. Or the new master can let his son take over raping his sex slave. I AM THE LORD!

When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she is not to leave as the male slaves do. If she is displeasing to her master, who chose her for himself, then he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners because he has acted treacherously toward her. Or if he chooses her for his son, he must deal with her according to the customary treatment of daughters. (Exodus 21:7-9)

In the final sentence, please note that the “customary treatment” of daughters is that they can be sold as sex slaves. I AM THE LORD!

Mass-murder women and male children, even the little ones, but keep the virgin girls alive, for yourselves, as sex slaves! I AM THE LORD! (Numbers 31:17)

They will fall by the sword, Their little ones will be dashed in pieces, and their pregnant women will be ripped open. (Hosea 13:16)

Yes, I command infanticide, matricide and mass abortions. I AM THE LORD! So be happy as you murder little ones in my holy name!

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)

Other genocidal bible passages: Numbers 21:2-3; Deuteronomy 20:17; Joshua 6:17, 21; 1 Samuel 15
Stone boys to death for being stubborn. All boys are stubborn, so stone them all! I AM THE LORD! What are you waiting for? I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)
Stone rape victims to death. I AM THE LORD! Yes, I know it seems unfair, but never think for yourselves. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:23-24)

It’s okay to beat slaves within an inch of their lives, as long as they don’t die. I AM THE LORD! As long as slaves can get up after a day or two, all is groovy. I AM THE LORD! (Exodus 21:20-21)

By the way, if you found this verse in the Quran, you would call Islam a false religion. I AM THE LORD! Who is like me in wisdom? I AM THE LORD!
HIGHLY PERSONAL INSTRUCTIONS TO PROPHETS

Jeremiah, hide your underwear in some rocks that I point out to you. I AM THE LORD! (Jeremiah 13:1-7)

Trim those pubes, Isaiah! “In that day the Lord will use a razor hired from beyond the Euphrates River—the king of Assyria—to shave your head and private parts, and to cut off your beard also.” I AM THE LORD! (Isaiah 7:20)
Zany Zeke, sleep on your left side for 390 days, then on your right side for 40 days. That will fix things! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 4:4-6)
Zany Zeke, the sleeping thing didn’t work out, sorry, so cut off your hair and use balances to divide it into three equal heaps. I AM THE LORD! We are really fixing things now! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:1)
Oopsie, still not working, so now take a few hairs and bind them in your skirts! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:3)
Damn, still not working, so now take the hairs from your skirt and burn them! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:5)
Zany Zeke, after I have murdered a third of all Israelites with plagues and famines, and murdered a third by the sword, and driven the remaining third from their homes into exile, I will be comforted. This is all to make me feel better. I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:3)
Crap, that didn’t work either, so now we’re back to parents eating their children, and vice versa, pardon the pun on “vice.” I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:10)

And be sure to cook your food with human dung! I AM THE LORD!

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. (Isiah 20:1-4)
I will corrupt your seed (sperm) and rub feces in your faces. The same dung shat at your festivals. I AM THE LORD! (Malachi 2:3)

Biblical roughage, with god commanding Zany Zeke to eat a scroll until it fills his bowels. (Ezekiel 3:1-3)
Zany Zeke boldly predicted that his hero Nebuchadnezzar would sack and destroy Tyre, which would never be rebuilt. (Ezekiel 26:1-21) Ezekiel went on for three chapters about all the terrible punishments the “Sovereign Lord” would inflict on Tyre. (Ezekiel chapters 26-29) But Zany Zeke later admitted that his prophecy had failed utterly (Ezekiel 29:18), then immediately predicted that his hero Nebuchadnezzar would sack Egypt and leave it an uninhabited wasteland for 40 years. (Ezekiel 29:9-13). Once again Ezekiel went on and on about all the terrible punishments the “Sovereign Lord” would inflict on Egypt, this time for five chapters. (Ezekiel chapters 29-33) That prophecy also failed miserably. The Bible confirms that Ezekiel’s prophecies about Tyre were false, since both Jesus and Paul visited Tyre according to the New Testament. Egypt has never been an uninhabited wasteland for even a second in recorded history, much less at the hands of Nebuchadnezzar.
BIBLICAL CANNIBALISM

Biblical cannibalism begins with mothers eating their sons. Yahweh is a very odd god with his fetishes for foreskins, enforced incest and enforced cannibalism. (2 Kings 6:28-29)
However, biblical cannibalism is not limited to mothers eating their children because they will also eat their own afterbirth! Is this a book children should be reading? (Deuteronomy 28:53-57)
Zany Zeke ups the ante with more biblical cannibalism. This time children also eat their parents:

Therefore in your midst parents will eat their children, and children will eat their parents. I will inflict punishment on you and will scatter all your survivors to the winds. (Ezekiel 5:10)
More biblical cannibalism with Yahweh telling the prophet Jeremiah that if he buys and smashes a clay jar (???) the suddenly enabled Yahweh will force parents to eat their children, then make them eat each other, which would be quite a trick! (Jeremiah 19:1-9)

“Hey, don’t start eating my legs until I finish your arms!”
More biblical cannibalism with Yahweh forcing parents to eat their sons and daughters:

You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters. (Leviticus 26:27-29)
More biblical cannibalism, but at least mothers aren’t eating their children raw:

With their own hands compassionate women have cooked their own children, who became their food when my people were destroyed. (Lamentations 4:10)
For Christians who claim all this cannibalism was not Yahweh’s doing, the author of Lamentations asked Yahweh why he was being so cruel:

Look, LORD, and consider: Whom have you ever treated like this? Should women eat their offspring, the children they have cared for? Should priest and prophet be killed in the sanctuary of the Lord? (Lamentations 2:20)
Jesus confirms the holiness of Old Testament cannibalism and adds vampirism. That’s why they call it the New Testament, I suppose. The old one wasn’t bizarre enough, evidently.

For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. (John 6:55)
In fact, unless we become cannibals and vampires, we have no life in us, per Jesus. (John 6:53-58)
In the book of Job, wily Satan, who is not a fallen angel cast out of heaven, but one of the Elohim, the seventy sons of the supreme god El, waltzes into heaven, has a chat with Yahweh, then dupes him into murdering Job’s children, slaves and livestock (PETA ALERT!). Yahweh later admits to Satan that he was duped, proving he’s not infallible as Christians claim.

And the Lord said unto Satan, “Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause.” (Job 2:3 KJV)

The book of Job refutes pretty much everything fundamentalists believe about god.
VARIOUS ABSURDITIES

Angels on speckled red-and-white horses patrol the earth. (Zechariah 1:1-11)

The archangel Michael fought with the Devil over the corpse of Moses. (Jude 1:9)

Noah’s poop deck is a hoot. The fairytale Noah’s ark in Kentucky fails to explain the ark not needing a poop deck because Noah, his family and all the poor animals would have been swimming in a sea of urine full of floating poop!

Jonah lived in a whale’s gut for three days without oxygen and all the sloshing and churning acid left him unscathed, much less digested. But that was one stinky prophet when he was finally vomited out! And what about the poor traumatized fish, making this another PETA ALERT!

Moses and Aaron turned all Egypt’s water into blood, after which Egyptian magicians “did the same thing” … except there was no water left to turn into blood, and also human magicians can’t turn mighty rivers like the Nile into blood. Maybe a test tube, with a bit of deception. Multitudes of animals died, so yet another PETA ALERT!
God gives incredibly detailed instructions for magically removing mold from houses, and it’s mold Yahweh installed himself, so he should know! This magical removal-cum-exorcism involves killing an innocent bird, then dipping a live bird in its blood (PETA ALERT!), along with cedar wood, magical scarlet yarn and hyssop. The terrified live bird will then be released, making “atonement” for the evil house. Leviticus (14:33-53)

Proving how much Yahweh loves and adores foreskins, David, the man after god’s own heart, was required to give a hundred foreskins for the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal in marriage. However, David, a true disciple of Yahweh and the man after his genocidal heart, voluntarily upped the ante to 200 foreskins.
Mary and the rest of Jesus’s family forget that he was god! Two gospels claim Jesus was “born of a virgin” with angels informing Mary and Joseph about Jesus being the son of god, and further claiming there were all sorts of miraculous signs like the magical Star of Bethlehem, choirs of angels serenading Jesus’s birth, the Magi, etc. The gospel of John says Mary knew Jesus could turn water into wine even before he began his ministry. But Mark 3:21-31 says Jesus’s family, including Mary, thought he was “out of his mind” and tried to stop him. The only explanation is that Jesus’s family forgot that he was god!
Did Jesus enter Jerusalem on a donkey’s colt, or riding a donkey and a colt? Side-straddle, according to Matthew, but just a single colt according to John.
How did Jesus acquire the lucky colt? He stole it himself (John 12:14). He sent his disciples to steal the colt and its mother. (Matthew 21:1-2)
WAS JESUS A SACRIFICE? Seven biblical prophets denied that Yahweh desired bloody sacrifices, and in often blistering terms: Amos, Hosea, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Micah, Samuel and King David. (Amos 5:21-25, Hosea 6:6, Isaiah 1:11-15, Jeremiah 7:22, 14:12, Micah 6:6-8, 1 Samuel 15:22, Psalm 40:6, 51:16)
An all-powerful god tries to murder Moses at an inn (?) but doesn’t succeed. (Once again, not infallible.) Moses’s wife Zipporah zips off their son’s foreskin and saves her hubby’s life with an accurate foreskin toss, the first touchdown, pigskin being non-kosher. Yahweh is really into human foreskins, admires the throw, and repents of murdering Moses! (Exodus 4:24-26)
Yahweh was not a very good wrestler. He failed to defeat Jacob in another wrestling match and had to cheat to elude Jacob’s “camel clutch.” (Genesis 32:22-32)
HAIR FOLLIES

Angels are offended by women’s hair, so women should wear burkas and such in church. (1 Corinthians 11:5-10)

Samson had seven braids woven by a prostitute (Judges 16:13) but christian women must not braid their hair (1 Timothy 2:9, 1 Peter 3:3).

Nature teaches us that it’s a shame for a man to have long hair? Of course nature does no such thing because in the wild men’s hair would be as long as women’s. Moreover, men consecrated to god like Samson and Samuel never cut their hair, so the author of this verse had never read the bible! (1 Corinthians 11:14)
PEACE IN PIECES

The Prince of Peace vows to personally murder christian children for their mother’s sins, with one of those “sins” being the St. Paul-approved eating of foods offered to idols!

And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins [kidneys] and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works. (Revelation 2:23)

So much for grace because salvation is all about works and what we eat! Jesus will search your kidneys and if he doesn’t like what he finds in your digestive tract, he will murder your children, rather redundantly, “with death.”

Did the Holy Ghost become confused, or was John of Patmos making things up and pretending to speak for Jesus?

So what was the other sin?

Adultery.

If Jesus is going to murder all christians who commit adultery, there won’t be many left.
And not so quick with that “Prince of Peace” thing!

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother..." (Matthew 10:34-36)

Blessed are the peacemakers, thus Jesus is unblessed!

The meek shall inherit the earth. Are we being a tad contradictory?
SNAKE CHARMER JESUS plugs the evangelization advantages of drinking poison and handling venomous serpents! (Mark 16:17-18)

With four alternate tack-on endings to the original shorter gospel of Mark available, why on earth did the editors go with that one. How embarrassing!
Speaking of snakes, I’m a bit confused. According to Christian theology, Satan posed as a serpent and deceived Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. Then Yahweh took the legs away from trillions of innocent snakes and forced them to crawl in the dust. What am I missing here? Someone please contact PETA and help the poor, innocent snakes get their legs back!
SELF-CONFESSED CRIMES OF THE TRINITY

The Holy Ghost murders Ananias and Sapphira because they didn’t give every penny to their church. A dire warning to penny-pinching modern Christians! Amusingly, christians gave up the ghost to the Holy Ghost! I provide the full text in my FOOTNOTES TO NONSENSE. (Acts 5:1-11)

Jesus curses an innocent fig tree for not bearing figs when it wasn’t fig season. (Mark 11:12)
The overpraised Holy Ghost is a rapist as well as a murderer, having impregnated Mary without her consent (plus she was probably underage) in addition to having snuffed out Ananias and Sapphira.
Yahweh murders 70,000 innocent people over a census he commanded King David to take (2 Samuel 24:1-17). The writer of the same account in 1 Chronicles was so appalled, he changed his version to say Satan induced David to take the census. (1 Chronicles 21:1-17)

Thus according to the infallible bible, Yahweh and Satan are the same being!
Yahweh is such a racist he murders 24,000 people over a single Midianite visitor:

Then an Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman...When Phinehas...saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them...But those who died in the plague numbered 24,000. (Numbers 25:6-9)
According to Acts 12:20-23, an angel murdered Herod Agrippa and he was eaten by worms. It’s more likely that he was poisoned.

God sends evil spirits:

But the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him. (1 Samuel 16:14)

God sends lying spirits to deceive human beings. (1 Kings 22:21-23)

God deludes human beings, perhaps explaining Christian beliefs in the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE and such:

And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie. (2 Thessalonians 2:11)

God is responsible for sexual perversion:

God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. (Romans 1:26)

Jesus is a racist who calls non-Jews “dogs.” (Matthew 15:21-28)
Jesus says we can avoid hell, not by faith or grace or by being better people, but by gouging out our eyes and cutting off our hands. (Matthew 5:29-30)
NO MAN HAS EVER SEEN GOD … EXCEPT 87 PEOPLE DID! Yahweh had to moon Moses to show the genocidal, child-stoning lawgiver his “glory” (or glory-hole). Why the mooning? Because to see god’s glorious face would be instant death! And yet the bible says 87 people saw god face-to-face, including, most amusingly, Moses just nine verses earlier in the same chapter of Exodus!

The Lord spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. (Exodus 33:11)

“Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.” (Exodus 33:20)

For more amusing details please check out CAN GOD BE SEEN: YES, NO AND “NOT ON YOUR LIFE!” in the footnotes.
God’s name is Wilby. When Moses asked god his name, god answered אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה meaning “I will be whoever I will be.” He then continued, “Tell the people of Israel that WILL BE sent me.” I have shortened this to Wilby, for convenience.
However, Yahweh condemned Moses to death by telling him to say his name aloud!

Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. (Leviticus 24:16)
The god who created the universe could do no better than give Moses commandments engraved in primitive stone tablets?

The god who created the universe lived in a box made of acacia wood. How embarrassing!
God is perfect and never repents, but will eventually repent of what he did to his servant (Israel).

But if he knew he was going to repent, why did god treat Israel so badly in the first place? (Deuteronomy 32:36)

And before he repents, god will make his arrows “drunk with blood.” (Deuteronomy 32:42)
GOD HATES GIRLS AND CHILDREN

Yahweh objected to children being sacrificed. Bravo! Yahweh’s solution? “Murder them all, to the last little one!”

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)
“Thou shalt not kill” … but … “Mass-murder men, women, children, toddlers, infants, babies and unborns.” I AM THE LORD! (Numbers 31:9-18 and numerous other genocidal Bible verses)

Murdering all the females other than virgin girls means murdering pregnant women, thus the Bible commands mass abortions.
If a girl doesn’t prove her virginity by bleeding sufficiently on her wedding night, stone her to death in front of her father’s house. That’ll teach him to have daughters with functional hymens! But never ask who created hymens. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

Of course the real Creator would have known that most girls don’t bleed the first time they have sex (only around 43% experience postcoital bleeding). And a decent deity would not value a girl’s hymen over her life. Furthermore, stoning anyone to death, much less a child bride, as most brides were in those days, is beyond inhumane. So these satanic verses were clearly authored by primitive, not a wise, just God.
If a married woman is raped, stone her to death. That will teach her to get raped. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:22)
If an engaged girl is raped in a populated area, stone her to death on the assumption that she “asked for it.” Give no thought to the fact that she may not have cried out because her rapist held his hand over her mouth, or a knife to her throat, or she was too shocked and terrified to scream. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:23-24)
If a girl who is not engaged is raped, let her rapist buy her as a sex slave, so he can rape her “legally” for the rest of her life. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)

This satanic commandment would make rape victims sex slaves for life and allow rich men to create harems of sex slaves by raping girls then paying off their fathers.
Women can be murdered as witches, without proof, since it’s impossible to prove that a woman is a witch. Of course women don’t have supernatural powers, but no one bothered to inform Yahweh. (Exodus 22:18)

No possible proof? Murder them anyway! I AM THE LORD!
What does god have against women? The bible say god created Adam first, then all the animals, then had Adam consider each animal for a companion. Only when no animal was suitable for Adam did god create Eve, as an afterthought. And then out of a spare rib!
In the bible it's always the women who are barren, never the men. And when god "opens their wombs" the miracle babies are always male.

God hates and damns children before they are born. No one can be saved unless god predestined them to be saved before birth. Predestination is a recurring theme in the bible. (Romans 9:11-23, John 6:44, Acts 13:48, 2 Timothy 1:9, Proverbs 16:4, Jeremiah 1:5, Ephesians 1:11-12, Revelation 13:8)

20 O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? 21 Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? [Your children are lumps of clay, to be honored or damned at the whims of a monstrous god.] 22 What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction: 23 that he might make known the riches of his glory on the vessels of mercy, which he had afore prepared unto glory. (Romans 9:20-23)

Biblical predestination and a Day of Judgment are incompatible. Does the puppeteer judge his puppets?—Michael R. Burch

Have you ever wondered why Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs, when god spoke everything else into existence? Was god running low on superpowers, explaining why he needed a day off? No, it turns out that Eve was plagiarized from the original “Lady of the Rib” who was also the “Lady who gives Life.” Who was she? The ancient Sumerian goddess Ninti. I provide the very interesting details in FOOTNOTES TO NONSENSE.

God loves boys more than girls, a constant theme in the bible. God stayed Abraham’s hand from slitting his son Isaac’s throat, but not Jephthah’s hand from murdering his daughter, whom the bible doesn’t even bother to name. Jephthah sacrificed his daughter to Yahweh, who was cool with the grisly murder/barbeque and didn’t try to talk him out of it. Or Yahweh is not a very good communicator, which would be my guess, him being imaginary and all. (Judges 11:30-40)

Zany Zeke claims he heard “god” order “cherubs” to “Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women.” (Ezekiel 9:6)

Of course this never happened. The Levite scribe who is speaking through “Ezekiel” is trying to explain the destruction of Israel at the hands of a much more powerful nation, Babylon, as “punishment” for Israelites worshiping gods other than Yahweh. We all know that wars are won by the more powerful forces, not via the intervention of “gods.” Israel was never a large nation and it had been reduced to the tiny province of Judea. It was not going to win wars with much larger, more powerful nations.

And it bears noting that the “cherub” has an inkhorn, like a scribe.

Someone pretending to be Paul says women are not allowed to pray in church, but elsewhere in his epistles Paul gave instructions for women to pray and prophesy in church and he called Junia foremost among the apostles. Clear evidence of tampering. (1 Corinthians 14:34-35)

The bible says David only committed one sin, in the matter of Uriah and Bathsheba. Therefore, according to the bible, it is not a sin to have multiple wives, nor to mass-murder women, which David did when he “smote the land,” nor to mass-murder the handicapped, which David did when he took Jerusalem from the Jebusites, nor to burn people in brick kilns, shades of Hitler!
Rather than punishing David for his sins, god murdered his baby and “gave” his wives to another man, making them adulteresses or the victims of rape.
The bible frequently copies itself. For instance, it is better for a father to offer his daughters to be raped, than to allow a man to be raped! I have bolded the similar wording:

“Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.” (Genesis 19:8)

“Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.” (Judges 19:24)

According to the bible, monotheism began with Abraham, who was incestously married to his sister, Sarah. It was Sarah’s brainstorm that Abraham marry and impregnate her slave, Hagar. In the meantime, from time to time Abraham pimped Sarah to kings, getting lots of loot in return. The ever-charming Abraham was ready to slit one son’s throat and booted his other son into the desert along with his mother. And yet Yahweh absolutely adored Abraham and Sarah, to the extent of visiting them on earth, having dinner with them, promising Sarah that she would have a child in her old age (a promise Sarah laughed at and ignored), and promising Canaan to Abraham despite the fact that it was inhabited and would require genocide to conquer. All in a day’s work for Yahweh!

Jacob/Israel, the man who gave his name to the nation, was a polygamist who had four wives, including two slaves. Apparently Yahweh had no problem with the twelve tribes of Israel being sired by a polygamist slaveowner who cheated his elder brother Esau out of his birthright by taking advantage of his father Isaac’s blindness!

Israel’s most god-favored kings, according to the bible, were both polygamists: David and his son Solomon. According to 1 Kings 11:3, the randy Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines!

The wisdom of the bible on the subject of the fairer sex:
1. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.
2. If women cannot “control” themselves they can marry, but it would be better for them to be celibate.
3. If a woman’s husband rapes or beats her, she should not separate from him. If she does separate, she cannot remarry but must remain celibate or reconcile with her abusive husband. (1 Corinthian 7:1-11)
4. Is it safe to say Paul was not the best marriage counselor?
Repent, or Jesus will smite you with the sword in his mouth. I AM THE LORD! (Isaiah 11:4, Revelation 19:15)
And if the sword in Jesus’s mouth doesn’t get you, watch out for…
1. a “loving” god who torments human beings “with fire and brimstone in the presence of the Lamb and holy angels” — forget about hell being “separation from god” because there will be a torture chamber in heaven, at the foot of the throne of god! — this sadistic god will torture his victims, without purpose, “day and night for ever and ever” (Revelation 20:10) — and forget “grace” because this god will “judge every man according to their works.” (Revelation 20:13)
2. the Devil
3. dragons, especially the red one
4. a Beast who calls fire down from heaven — why would god allow his worst enemy to do that?
5. a false prophet
6. unclean spirits like frogs
7. 144,000 virgin men “not defiled by women” — a tad sexist, perhaps? — who are perfect and “faultless” — what happened to “there is none righteous, no, not one” and “only god is good”?
8. Balaam
9. serial-murderer angels who slaughter trillions of animals (a third of all life on land and in the sea) — one angel produces blood up to “the horse bridles”
10. a serial-murderer seven-eyed and seven-horned lamb with paps like a woman and a girdle
11. the Nicolaitans
12. Jezebel
13. making love or eating the wrong foods and having Jesus personally murder your children, redundantly, “with death”
14. Death and Hell riding a pale horse double, like lovebirds
15. “saints” who cry for blood and vengeance rather than love and mercy
16. stars that fall to earth without destroying it
17. locusts shaped like horses with faces like men, hair like women, crowns of gold, teeth like lions, and stingers like scorpions
18. Babylon
19. Mystery Babylon
God saved the baby Jesus from the “massacre of the innocents.”

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

But why didn’t god save all the other babies?

And why did god allow the Star of Bethlehem to lead the Magi to Jesus, if he knew babies would be massacred as result?

Why did god warn the Magi to avoid Herod the Great after they had spilled the beans, rather than before?

Why did god only warn Joseph and not the other parents?

And why did god allow Herod the Great to resurrect from the dead to murder babies? Herod died ten years before the Roman census that allegedly required Joseph to report to Bethlehem.
THOSE RANDY PATRIARCHS!

Adam and Eve’s children committed incest, thanks to Yahweh.

Cain murdered his brother Abel and committed incest with one of his sisters or nieces.

Noah got drunk, was running around naked, then was involved in some sort of perversion with his son Ham.

Noah’s children and grandchildren committed incest, thanks to Yahweh.

Abraham committed incest with his sister Sarah, pimped her to kings for tons of loot, and was a slave rapist who abandoned his second wife, Hagar, and his son Ishmael by dumping them in the desert to die.

The bible calls Lot “righteous” but he committed incest with his daughters and got them both pregnant. (Genesis 19:30-38)

Lot also offered his daughters to a crowd of rapists when they were virgins.

Jacob/Israel had four wives, two of them slaves.

Jacob/Israel implored his son Joseph, “Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh…” (Genesis 47:29)
NOT A JOT OR TITTLE, REALLY?

Forget that silly honoring your father and mother stuff, Jesus wants you to hate them!

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)

And to set a good (or very bad) example, Jesus called his mother “woman” and coldy rebuked her (John 2:4), then refused to see her when she was understandably concerned about his wellbeing. (Mark 3:20-31)

Forget the Golden Rule and “love thy neighbor” because Jesus ignores a suffering mother, then calls her a Gentile “dog.” The woman shames the alleged son of god by pointing out, “Even dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table.” (Matthew 15:21-28)

The rightly chastised Jesus has to agree with her, and repents.
The Greek word for "hell" is Tartarus, a word which appears in only a single verse in the entire Bible (2 Peter 2:4). But that verse is about fallen angels awaiting judgment, so its "hell" is not eternal and is not for human beings. If the Greek-speaking authors of the bible had believed in hell, they would have used the Greek word for hell, Tartarus, but they didn’t. Rather, Tartarus was never once used in relation to human beings.
According to christians the bible was inspired by the Holy Ghost, but the Holy Ghost seems to have no idea when and how it came to earth! This is what the gospels and Acts say happened after the alleged resurrection of Jesus:
1. According to the first-written gospel, Mark, no one saw or spoke to Jesus after the alleged “resurrection” and there was no “ascension.” The disciples did not receive the Holy Ghost. (Mark 16:1-8)
2. According to John there was no “ascension” and Jesus was last seen by a small group of disciples who had returned to fishing in Galilee. There was no Pentecost in Jerusalem, but Jesus breathed on his disciples and said, “Receive ye the Holy Ghost.” (John 20:22)
3. According to Matthew, the disciples were told to go to Galilee to meet Jesus, and they did so immediately. Jesus appeared to the disciples in Galilee and gave them their final instructions there, before departing earth. There was no ascension in Jerusalem and there were no angels, contradicting the ascension accounts in Luke and Acts, which also contradict each other. Matthew 12:15-32 says Jesus gave his disciples the Holy Ghost, allowing them to perform miracles, before he died.
4. According to Luke, the resurrected Jesus did not tell his disciples to go to Galilee, they never left Jerusalem, and Jesus ascended from Bethany (on the outskirts of Jerusalem) on the same day as the resurrection, with only his disciples watching and no angels. (Luke 24:50-51) The disciples were instructed to stay in Jerusalem to receive the Holy Ghost after Jesus left earth.
5. According to Acts, the resurrected Jesus explicitly instructed the disciples not to leave Jerusalem, then ascended from the Mount of Olives (near Jerusalem) at least 40 days after the resurrection, with two angels preaching a sermon. This is especially incongruous because the same author wrote Luke and Acts, but the “ascension” accounts are completely contradictory, and at least 40 days apart. It’s obvious that a redactor changed Acts, taking wild liberties and lying outrageously. In Acts around a hundred christians received the Holy Ghost on Pentecost, 50 days after Passover. (Acts 1:9-12)