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Martin Mc Carthy's avatar

I prefer the first version of this haiku by Seishi (the one below) to your second version because it's so subtle and understated and allows the reader to figure out that the speaker has reached breaking point. Good choice in making this your preferred version.

As grief becomes unbearable

someone snaps a nearby branch.

―Yamaguchi Seishi, loose translation/interpretation by Michael R. Burch

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